Friday, May 7, 2010

day 43-44 (April 23-24)

DAY 43--

I showed up very excited, because we were going to practice breast-feeding. Instead I was told that Martin had gotten worse. They stuck a larger tube down his throat to help drain his stomach, and keep the bloating down. They had done some xrays on his belly and it didn't look right so they were going to transfer him to Primary Childrens for a barometric enema (or something like that)--basically the pump a bunch of fluid into him while they're giving him an xray and they can see where the fluid goes, and it goes through his colon and intestines. This way they could see if there was any obstruction that would be causing the bloating.

I show up to find him in a warmer bed, with an IV in hand because they're not feeding him so he needs his fluids by mouth. My poor boy was miserable, and I couldn't do anything. It's so hard with preemies, because something so little that wouldn't really do much in a term baby could be disastrous.

I was trying so hard not to start crying. The NICU roller-coaster is HORRIBLE. It's hard enough being post-partum and having your emotions already out of whack. Add in having a baby in the NICU and it's enough to send anyone over the edge.

so I sat with him for a little while, and then the life-flight crew came to transfer him. I couldn't bear to take any pictures of the gurney with the isolette on it. It's not something I want to remember. Martin was so unhappy. They transferred everything to the isolette--the oxygen, the different monitors, the anderson tube down his throat and the suction attached to it.

And then we left. Primary Children's is attached by a sky-walk to the hospital, so it's just a short 5-10 minute walk. I was not expecting to walk through the main parts of the hospital though. Everyone was staring at us, and gawking at the tiny baby on the life-flight gurney. Openly staring at us, wondering what's wrong with that baby? I wanted to smack everyone and yell at them to stop staring at my baby! it was all I could do to not break down and collapse right there in front of the cafeteria.

I tried to detach myself from the situation, because I couldn't handle it being my child. My child going through this and I had to let it happen. They gave him the enema and I held his pacifier in his mouth while he sucked vigorously and whimpered. The man holding him was so rough, just moving him around like it didn't matter about being gentle because of how small he is. I hated it.

In the end there was nothing there, and everything looked normal. Which was good, but broke my heart at the same time because he had to go through all that. I'm so grateful he won't remember it.

It was the hardest day in the NICU so far.

DAY 44-

Martin still isn't doing any better, and they're still not feeding him. The poor kid is so miserable. They have to change the IV's everyday, and he has two going. They don't know what it is, so they're giving him like 3 different antibiotics to try to take care of it.

I was able to hold him for a while, which I'm so grateful for. He was able to calm down enough and get some rest. His leads came off while I was holding him, and the nurse said she'd fix them when I put him back in his bed. About 10 minutes later another nurse came over and saw that the leads weren't picking up, and even though I told her the nurse said she'd replace them later, she took it upon herself to take care of them, so she shoved her hands in the blanket and pushed the leads back. Poor Martin just started crying. I was upset because his stomach isn't feeling good, and she's sitting there pushing on him.

His oxygen levels are getting better day by day though, so the steroids are doing something. But like everything else in life, when one thing starts getting better, another thing gets worse.



I can honestly say I know how it feels. It is so hard to see them transport your baby when they are so fragile and the people moving them just do not understand. You made me almost cry just reading this today. Things will get better, just keep being optimistic.


It's so very very hard to go through all of this. If it would help to talk to other parents of preemies who have or are going through the same kinds of things, try visiting the March of Dimes community called Share Your Story: I am keeping you and little Martin in my thoughts and I look forward to healthier and happier posts.

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